No.35 - Boris’s Haircut, Geoffrey’s Codpiece and ‘The Art of Pleasing’.

Dear James,

Boris Johnson has had his hair cut. I saw him on Wednesday with a standard issue short back and sides. He was talking about police and knife crime but it was his hair that sent the real message. No longer the eccentric and hirsute buffoonery of yore. Let no one mistake the signs. Boris is bidding for the leadership. 

Because behind the Tory faux bravado, Mrs May is facing defeat. To understand the bravado we have to understand that for the Tory Party ‘bottom’ comes first and a long way ahead of argument. Boris is well endowed in this area but, metaphors aside, true Tory bottom is that mixture of voice, self-belief, appearance and posture that are key to Tory Party projection. Notice that ‘content’ is not part of that list. Listen to Radio 4 whenever a Minister comes on to defend the indefensible, to explain the inexplicable, or to deny that a crisis is a crisis. The speaker greets the interviewer with the cheerful intimacy of an old chum.  Good Morning Martha!, The sun is out and all is well - despite the fact that the storm is breaking around us.’ The cheery, rising intonation is designed to lull us into catatonic relief that someone is in charge. The scene is set for the bromides to come. Polite respect is the central plank of Tory culture, the chosen tool of their class. The concept of being ‘nice’ as you put in the dagger comes from the Earl of Shaftsbury (1671-1713) and was made fashionable by the Spectator in 1711-14. The ‘Art of Pleasing’ became an ideal designed to manipulate others. It was condemned by some as combining ‘the morals of a whore and the manners of a dancing master’. I feel sorry for those poor Europeans who have had to face this falsity. They are trained to think logically and the quality of thinking is highly prized. When faced with the inauthentic Tory culture of false positives delivered on booming voices they must be stunned and baffled except that they saw through it many years ago. They know that behind the mock politesse, there lies the deep belief that the British are born to be right despite little evidence to confirm this conviction. The French call us  ‘Perfide Albion’!

As Mrs May flounders James, take a look at Geoffrey Cox, the current Attorney General and your latest icon of Tory Party supremacy, The adjective used for him is ‘stentorian’ after Stentor a mythical, ancient Greek orator. He has a booming voice - developed in many courtroom battles - which to many old school Tories might suggest an all seeing certainty, based upon a grasp of some fundamental truth embedded in the profound depths of the Tory soul – or should that be ‘soil’?. As he orates, it must for them be like listening to the deepest strata of Tory wisdom. Yet to modern man and woman his is the worst kind of ham 1940s theatrics – over stylised, over posturing, over cooked. Olivier himself would flinch were he alive to see him.  Yesterday Mr Cox even added a rhetorical flourish. “It’s come to be called ‘Cox’s Codpiece’,” he said, to uncertain laughter. “What I am concerned to ensure is that what’s inside the codpiece is in full working order.” Better stay out of that one! 

Fortunately, you cannot all be a Geoffrey Cox. Theresa May has her own version of Cox’s certainty. She has learned the empty roar, the vacuous scowl and the vacant sneer.  Next to her at the despatch box sit the rest of the crew. Blank Faced Hammond, Quivering Waddington, Baby Face Hunt. Strangely Andrea Leadsom and Amber Rudd are some of the few front benchers who demonstrate genuine authenticity. But they are women and do not need to play games. Amber Rudd looks concerned, serious and as if she might have a conscience derived directly from her heart.  But, of course, the only epithet applied to her these days is, ‘traitor’.

I am afraid that authenticity is rare in the Tory Party except in the hard-baked, booming certainties of the public school entitlement to rule. Real authenticity  requires a direct line of communication between the real person and the message. No filtering, no positioning, no bullshit. Just the eternal and open struggle to discover the truth. 

So where are you James in this character list of Tory performers? I don’t think you are in any danger of becoming a Cox, nor for that matter a Hammond or a Hunt.  You are probably too young. You have a career to think of and that will mean that it is unlikely that you will ever develop your own principles or set of deeply founded beliefs. As a career politician, you will always be loyal to the whip and the leader whoever that might be at the time. But the times are a changing. 

Moments of national crisis require wide and deep thinking, authenticity, realism, openness, thoughtfulness, reflection and even a plan. But most of all it requires our politicians to have courage and independence of thought to fight for what the country wants and needs. Our crisis should not be a matter of haircuts, codpieces and false bottoms. It is far too serious for that. 

So my plea to you is to get beyond the principle of ‘follow my leader’ and to find some of that courage.  A good place to start would be to vote against Mrs May’s deal and to put the vote back to the electorate. 

Kind regards,  

BH - Your Concerned Constituent