No.125 - It isn't working, is it James?

Dear James,

We hadn’t seen Boris for over a week. Rumour had it that, contrary to speculation that he was holed up with one of his paramours in yet another love triste, he was in fact at Chevening attempting to work out how to ‘change our country for ever’. Today however, he turned up at PMQs and ran straight back into reality, courtesy of his ex-Chancellor, Javid Sajid. He told Boris that a good PM must listen to the independent advice of his advisers in the Treasury. Boris smiled sheepishly. He was like a naughty schoolboy caught out kissing the girls behind the bicycle shed. 

Imagine the scene at Chevening last week. Boris gurgling his ever diminishing optimism on Mr Cummings’s metaphorical lap as the latter hurled expletives and other assorted put downs at the line of sub-standard ministers parading their allegiance to the new masters of the universe. ‘Ignore the crocodile tears of the ‘deep state’!’ Stick to your guns! ‘Shoot from the hip!’ And that was just for the Americans wandering expectantly in those stately corridors. 

But Boris’s absence spoke volumes to the nation. While the Severn flooded like never before, the coronavirus threatened our shores and stock markets dived, Boris, true to Mr Cummings’s instructions, put his hands over his ears, buried his head in the sand and hunkered down in his splendid new role as Chairman of the Board. With his 80+ majority he can relax in the glory of his new position. Pity about the rest of us. 

Yours is not a happy ship James. Chairmen of Boards don’t get their hands dirty or their feet wet. That is for the underlings. So Priti Patel was sent out to hammer her chief civil servant, Sir Philip Rutnam. David Frost, our very own Hereford Bull, was sent to Brussels to tell the EU that everyone in Britain was determined to recover the long lost power of constitutional institutions now threatened by the dark machinations of continental Europeans. Today Liz Truss, UK Trade Secretary, will meet Trump’s top trade negotiators. The meeting will take place behind closed doors so Mrs Truss will be able to say whatever it takes to get a quick trade deal with them. They will be speaking the language of weakened environmental protection, chlorinated chicken and US involvement in the NHS. But the biggest hit job is still that for the new Chancellor, Rishi Sunak. He is the one who will have to face the impossible conundrums of the Tory Party Manifesto and the needs of our nation. Boris wants to ‘level-up’ by spending big and spending visibly. Two days ago the IFS said that would mean increasing taxes or changing the current spending rules that aim for a deficit reduction by the end of this parliament. Nice smile Mr Sunak, but how long will it last?

Boris wants everyone “onside” on Brexit and the economy. That’s why he has sacked those quality people with minds of their own. There is only room for bleating sheep in this government. Garry Graham, the civil service union’s deputy general secretary, said civil servants cannot offer honest advice if they are under constant threat. “Policy advice to ministers from civil servants needs to be empirically based and evidence-led – not based on whether they are a ‘true believer’ or not.”

Yet in parliament yesterday the old Tory masks of cheerful invulnerability, super-confidence and glorious entitlement were everywhere. What was missing was any sign of the Northumbrian or Yorkshire dialects or the Midlands twang amongst the ministerial caravan. They will have to wait. 

Mr Cummings has factored in all this ‘resistance’ to his ‘world view’. At that meeting at Chevening, ‘the genius’ would have hammered it home. The Chairman of the Board knows that without his chief vizier, he is lost, so when Javid Sajid made his point yesterday about the necessity for "checks and balances" in government, all poor old Boris could do was grin sheepishly. Rather that, than be spanked like a naughty schoolboy when he got home!   

It’s not working, is it James? A government of obsequious yes men and women under the spell of a malign strategist. Looking at your voting record, my advice to you is to keep calm and carry on voting slavishly for your new masters! It is advice that I know you will willingly accept! 

Kind regards,

BH - Your Concerned Constituent